Falling in Love

I fall in and out of love pretty easily, I guess. I have been told that before. But that last time I got hurt I swore it would be different. I wouldn't fall in love so easily. I would be cautious and sure! As Dan Fogelberg wrote...

Next time I ain't gonna fall on my knees for nobody

And come out of love empty handed

Next time I'll be even harder to please,

Oh when will the next time be?...

As a result, I built some walls around my love. Now this isn't unusual for anyone to do when coming out of a painful event in their life, we all know this. But what I did was different. I allowed myself to love - to an extent. I guess I didn't know how to completely not allow my walls to be penetrated but within those walls, deep down, I held back a part of me - a special part. It is a part that I didn't even realize was being held back because it is such a special part of me that I had never let it out for anyone before in my life!

But then....when I least expected it, I realized what it was. How? By the grace and wonder of a beautiful femme heart. You see, I had been holding back - I had not allowed myself to feel all that love and being loved has to offer. It was partly a self preservation mechanism I suppose. If you don't give that away, the risks are always lower that you will be hurt again.

So, yes, I loved...but only to an extent. And that was ok because the women I met seemed to be doing the same thing - holding back. I attributed it to them just not being that "into" me - and I'm sure that was the case on more than one occasion. There was always a limit to how comitted one let their heart and soul invest in another. They would tell me they loved me but their actions clearly put boundaries and limits on it. I did the same selfish, foolish thing. It was kind of a game really - trying to learn and understand where that breaking point lay with a person.

But then...she came to me. Came into my life. Peered inside of those walls and saw me for what I was. Yet, she wasn't judgemental or put off by what she saw. She just loved me and gave me space. She showed me in common every day actions what trust and love mean. She felt secure enough in herself to show me the love in her heart and the depth of her soul. She opened up that dark space without my even knowing it. As she spoke those words of forever and future possibilities to me I felt that piece of me pounding on the walls to be let out. Tears flowed down my cheeks as I realized what had just happened. The bridge I had just crossed that had never before been traversed. I love her. She loves me. We are indeed a bonded couple. What a feeling.