Post holidays

Yes, I know - they aren't quite over yet! We still have New Years to get through. But I have already started to feel a bit of the post holiday blues creeping around. So, in an attempt to straighten that out...it's time to redirect the energy.

First of all. I no longer make resolutions. I always felt guilty for not keeping them. I don't keep them because I am not realistic when making them and on and on it goes. So, now as I begin my 5th decade on this earth, I have decided to select opportunities for the new year. Rather than focus on ways to improve, I am focusing on ways to enjoy my life more. I want to identify simple inexpensive things I can do that I haven't done already that will bring more joy and inner peace in my life.

A small insert here - I cannot take credit for thinking of this. I received a book from my friend Elaine at Christmas (ARGH! I can't remember the name of it) talking about creating peace on earth and how to create peace within ourselves. So I have taken to heart its theme about slowing down, being kind to ones self, and striving to create inner peace within. They suggest writing down simple things that cause joy and I thought it would be a great way to start a new year!

Here's some of my thoughts.
1. Walk in the woods at Ft Harrison state park weekly. It's only a stones throw from my house. I feel renewed in the woods.
2. Work on my stitching more. Not the most Butch of activities but one I truly love to do. Gets me in touch with my femmy side - lol.
3. Visit all the Birding Sites in Indiana. I've lived here all my life and still have not seen most of them.
4. Take a small vacation to Mammoth Cave. Kat has never been there and I haven't been since I was in college. Only a 4 hour drive!
5. Have sex at least twice per week! LOL! OK, this one might not be so easy, but it sure would bring joy to my life. :-)

More to come, but that's a really good start for me.

Love Birds

Two souls. Two hearts. Made as One by God.
Friends. Lovers. Soul Mates.
Intertwined together for the Journey
Joined in Spirit. Growing in Depth.
Honored by Heaven

In one another...Finding delight.
With one another...Seeking the highest good.
For one another...Laying down their lives.

Pure in Devotion. Unmoved in Loyalty.
Bound by Trust. Led by Hope.
Comitted to Truth. Wrapped in Grace
Forever in Love.

Falling in Love

I fall in and out of love pretty easily, I guess. I have been told that before. But that last time I got hurt I swore it would be different. I wouldn't fall in love so easily. I would be cautious and sure! As Dan Fogelberg wrote...

Next time I ain't gonna fall on my knees for nobody

And come out of love empty handed

Next time I'll be even harder to please,

Oh when will the next time be?...

As a result, I built some walls around my love. Now this isn't unusual for anyone to do when coming out of a painful event in their life, we all know this. But what I did was different. I allowed myself to love - to an extent. I guess I didn't know how to completely not allow my walls to be penetrated but within those walls, deep down, I held back a part of me - a special part. It is a part that I didn't even realize was being held back because it is such a special part of me that I had never let it out for anyone before in my life!

But then....when I least expected it, I realized what it was. How? By the grace and wonder of a beautiful femme heart. You see, I had been holding back - I had not allowed myself to feel all that love and being loved has to offer. It was partly a self preservation mechanism I suppose. If you don't give that away, the risks are always lower that you will be hurt again.

So, yes, I loved...but only to an extent. And that was ok because the women I met seemed to be doing the same thing - holding back. I attributed it to them just not being that "into" me - and I'm sure that was the case on more than one occasion. There was always a limit to how comitted one let their heart and soul invest in another. They would tell me they loved me but their actions clearly put boundaries and limits on it. I did the same selfish, foolish thing. It was kind of a game really - trying to learn and understand where that breaking point lay with a person.

But then...she came to me. Came into my life. Peered inside of those walls and saw me for what I was. Yet, she wasn't judgemental or put off by what she saw. She just loved me and gave me space. She showed me in common every day actions what trust and love mean. She felt secure enough in herself to show me the love in her heart and the depth of her soul. She opened up that dark space without my even knowing it. As she spoke those words of forever and future possibilities to me I felt that piece of me pounding on the walls to be let out. Tears flowed down my cheeks as I realized what had just happened. The bridge I had just crossed that had never before been traversed. I love her. She loves me. We are indeed a bonded couple. What a feeling.

ButchFemme Falls

Here it is....the first community designed specifically for Butches and Femmes. ButchFemme Falls. (Modeled roughly after the town of Bedford Falls from the movie, "It's a Wonderful Life")

It's a Wonderful Butch Femme Life !

Had a really funny dream...the setting was a town like Bedford Falls like in the movie, "It's a Wonderful Life". (My all time favorite movie, I might add) Anyway, my mind reconfigured the town into a Butch Femme city. Everyone on the streets was a Butch or a Femme - and the small town spirit and friendliness was there among everyone. It was snowing, just like in the movies opening, and I was coming out of the dime store where I had just finished some last minute Xmas shopping for my sweetie!

Not much else really occurred after this...at least not that I can remember. I woke up soon after this. But when I was stumbling to the bathroom to pee, I had a smile on my face and it made me think.....what if?

What if there really was a community like this? A safe and completely accepted space for all us Butches and Femmes to live and call home.I don't know...maybe this is what heaven is like for me!

One can certainly dream.....

A miracle

I had almost forgotten the gifts a femme brings.

Her wily seductiveness, her flirtatious demeanor, her insightful knowingness of exactly what a butch is craving, the way she embraces a butch heart and celebrates the gender. As well as the way she venerates her own gender, hiding a fierce strength and dedication behind the beautiful soft looking exterior.

Tis the season for miracles. I have been blessed to experience the miracle that is the Butch Femme dance. I am renewed and restored. This can only be described as experiencing the ultimate miracle in my life. I am grateful to whatever angel has brought her to me.

Lighthouse Symbolism

On my wall at home is a picture of a lighthouse situated on a rocky island in the middle of a turbulent sea. For years this picture has spoken to me on some level but I couldn't really put my finger on what it was. But after recent events, I'm beginning to piece together the symbolic meaning of the lighthouse to me. Every time I see one in a picture, something inside me stirs and takes notice. I know, I know, I see all these old ladies at the craft fairs with all the lighthouse paraphenalia and it's easy to associate the attraction toward lighthouses with these folks. But, for me it is a little different.

In this photo above, I am the lighthouse. My beam represents my reaching out and searching for the love I craved for so many years. The empty sailboat represents the past and the lost loves of the past. The moonbeam is the threshold - the changing point separating the past life and losses from the present. The present is full of hope and promise - smooth seas and a bright sky. The lighted ship on the side of the lighthouse, represents the love of my life. She is a sturdy ship - full of life and light. But she is searching too. Searching for that beacon that pulls her into the love she has longed for. She is the Femme and the lighthouse is the Butch. Both know that soon the connection will be made - the beam of light will land on the Femme and capture her heart and pull her into the safe harbor. Look at how close they are at this point! The inevitable dance is within sight and they both sense it and reach for it.

Ahhhhhhh.................

The first snow

(This isn't a pic I took, but it's an image I found that looks like the area around me right now.)

I looked out the window because the glow around the edges of the blind seemed brighter than normal. Surprise! The first snow fell in central Indiana last night. It wasn't a big accumulation - less than an inch, but it did give that early morning glow we see with the moon reflecting off the snow.

Guess I should have watched the weather last night. The commute to work was a hassle. Took me an hour when it normally takes me 20 minutes. The roads were icy under the snow and a little treacherous.

Am battling another in my life long history of sinus infections. UGH! All I want to do is sleep and blow my nose.

Still re-reading Stone Butch Blues. Am at the part where Jess moves to New York city. No matter how many times I read this book, I find something different each time that I missed before. I guess that's the way it is with any good book or good movie that we enjoy for a second time. Heck it's even that way with femmes! :-)