Far too long

Wow - been a year since I posted here.

Whats the world coming to? Time waits for no one....

Life is moving fast. Much going on these days. Ever since the day the music died, I have felt much different. As days pass, I find myself more aware of the impact of that special music. The good news is...this spring there is supposed to be a postumous release of music. Can't wait!

Birthday Greetings

Happy Birthday ole man! I look back on your life and can't help but wonder how the world has changed since your birth. Oh the things you have seen, the stories you could tell.

Has it really been 42 years since we last spoke? Time flies, doesn't it.

I suppose you know that life turned out differently for me than you probably ever would have imagined it would. That is not to say it is a bad thing. I am happy with myself and like the person I have become. Boy, there have been so many times when I wished you could have been there! Maybe it would have been easier, maybe not. But I choose to think that you and I would have developed a great relationship and got along swimmingly.

One thing is for sure. I wouldn't have endured that mental and physical abuse I experienced from the "evil one" had you been around. Don't feel badly. It wasn't your fault that it happened. He is just a twisted, sick fucker and I was the unfortunate recipient of his psychotic behavior. The bad thing is, if it hadn't been me as the victim, it would have been someone else, and perhaps the consequences for them would have been even worse than they were for me.

I sure wish we could go fishing together. How about when we see each other again, we do some serious fishing? As usual, you will watch the bobbers as I watch the birds in the nearby trees. Be sure to tell me if I have a bite!

Your family legacy is one to be proud of. Your grandson has a son of his own now. Your great grandson can carry the family name through another generation. All of your grandchildren have grown up to be fine individuals. You would be so pleased.

I never had my own offspring. God chose me to be one that did not carry that banner in life. Came close once. But she was chosen to not live in this world and instead, live among the angels. I have parented many wonderful furry children that I've adopted over the years however. Being their caretaker has brought me immeasurable joy and love. I am grateful for every one of them and the impact they have had on me. Take care of the ones I can no longer oversee, will you please?

Often times I experience things in my life and wonder why I am the way I am about some of these things. But then, I think of you and realize that I am a living legacy to you. Many of my ways are there because of you - because of the man you were, because of the values you held. Sometimes these "ways" (people close to me call them my idiocyncracies - LOL) drive those who care about me nuts. They wish I wouldn't be that way. They wish I would change. Silly people! I can't change. It is a part of who I am. It's one of those parts of me that remind me so much of you. I have learned to embrace it - guess they better figure that out pretty soon too!

As I've gotten older, I have seen more and more things in my life that remind me of you. Funny how that works. I am 50 now, and have already passed those 47 years you had to be here. Guess I never really thought I would get to that mark. But here I am. I find myself reminded constantly of you now - perhaps cause around this age is when I knew you best.

Thank you for all your gifts to me. Thank you for making me feel safe and for making me want to make others feel safe. Thank you for showing me how to treat women. How to respect and appreciate them and all their gifts. Thank you for giving me a love for animals. Without that I wouldn't know unconditional love. Thank you for showing me the wonders of nature - without that I wouldn't have realized my lifes passion for birding. Thank you for giving me competitiveness, for without it I would not have been able to feed and clothe myself. Thank you for giving me courage, for without that I wouldn't be able to express my butch identity in this world. Thank you for giving me curiosity, without it I would not have found a spiritual center. Thanks for my love of sports. I have been able to travel and experience much through them. Thank you for giving me compassion. Having seen it in you early on has made it a mainstay in my everday living. Thank you for your intelligence. It has given me more opportunities than I probably deserved. But most of all, thank you for you. Thanks for reminding me of who I am everyday of my life.

Happy birthday ole man!

Spiritual moment

Today, for some reason, I was pushed toward my spiritual side. I often ignore this side of my life. Figure it is part of me and I don't need to worry about it I guess. But, sometimes, I need to nourish it, I need to touch it and become renewed in my beliefs and in my spiritual center. Not sure what triggered this need in me today, not really any earth shattering events or anything. But, I happened to listen to a sermon from the church I belonged to - a MCC church. I am glad I went there cause it gave me the chance to be still and listen.

Last September, a friend asked me why I no longer attended this church. I told her the story about how it met so many of my needs when I attended but as time went on, I realized more and more how our beliefs differed. It is hard for me to rationally articulate the differences but, within my own mind, I came to a place where I was at complete peace and harmony with my spirituality. For me, it is a hybrid of sorts. Without going into my specific beliefs here, I will just say that while I am secure in what I believe, it is hard to keep the center of ones spiritual universe when they go it alone. But, fortunately, I can find some things in life to keep getting me re-centered. Such was the case today, when I listened to Jeff Miner's sermon.

The message was on what faith is and the lesson to learn from being "disappointed when putting complete faith in God". We have all been disappointed in faith. I remember praying for my mom to have a miracle recovery when she was diagnosed with cancer, only to watch her suffer through the disease for a brief period and, ultimately, succumb to it. I remember asking God to let my kitty die in her sleep so I wouldn't have to make the decision to put her down, only to have to face that decision and make it the next week. So how does one have faith when prayers like that go unanswered?

It is challenging to be sure. In his sermon, Jeff makes reference to a couple of Biblical passages in order to drive his point home about faith being a trust in God that teaches us we may not get what we want from God - but that we will get the faith needed to endure. As he said, we get what we need versus what we want. (Insert Rolling Stones reference here - LOL) But, in listening to his sermon, I didn't get the reinforcement and the insights from his Bible passages. No, what hit home for me was his reference to his cat named Chrissy and the lesson of trust gleaned from her life and love for her daddy - Jeff.

When I heard that reference, my spirituality rose up in my heart. I remembered so much of what I believe and what I know to be my unique spiritual side. It felt good to be refreshed and renewed in it. It seems to me that there are two paths to take in life - one without any daily active spiritual focus or one where we accept things in life as part of the grand universal scheme and become comfortable with our place within it all. For me, I have to take the road that has a spiritual side, because otherwise it doesn't seem to have meaning.

Someone I knew...

It was a small blurb in the obituaries. Not even a paragraph long. Two sentences.

Eva Mae Sconce, 101, died today at so and so nursing home in Greenwood. Services none.

That was it. I scoured the papers from my hometown and the surrounding communities thinking that there would be more info somewhere, but there was nothing. I looked on the internet. I looked at new burials in Rest Haven Cemetery in my hometown. Nothing. That was it. Short and not even sweet.

I didn't really know Mrs. Sconce that well. But everyone in my hometown of Edinburgh knew of the house she and her husband lived in. A majestic old victorian home sitting atop a hill overlooking Main street. Her husband owned and operated the Pixie Theatre in downtown Edinburgh back when I was a child in the late 50's and early 60's. I remember his passing when I was in high school.

I knew Mrs. Sconce from two sources. First, she was a substitute teacher in the Edinburgh school systems as I grew up. Kids always talked about her behind her back, making fun of her cheaply dyed blue hair. No one really talked nicely about her around me. I was always curious about her though. She was quite an interesting dresser. She had old clothes, but they didn't look old. They looked vintage and regal. She wore antique looking old jewelry on her wrists and around her neck. She always wore dresses and heels. I only recall talking to her on two occasions in my life. Once, in seventh grade, she was teaching Algebra and I was struggling mightily (as I often did) with this whole x and y thing. She had two students come to the blackboard in front of the room and she would recite a problem and the students would race to see who completed it first. She called me up there and I was so afraid because I was completely lost in how to work these problems we were on. She read aloud the equation. I wrote it down on the board and pretended to solve it, not really knowing what the hell I was doing. Of course, by this time the other student had solved it and I quickly erased my chicken scratches from the board and hurried back to my seat. As the class was about to end, Mrs Sconce wrote 3 names on the board and announced that she would like to see these students after class. You guess it! My name was there.

I went up to her desk after class. She talked to the other students first - just some sort of housekeeping things with them - missing a paper or something. Then she turned to me and looked in my eyes and said to me, "I just wanted to talk to you about that problem on the board. Let's walk through it together." She walked me through the process, but she didn't do it like most teachers. She didn't say, "All right, now what do you do". (Thank goodness cause I sure as hell had no idea what the steps were!) Instead she said, "Here's how I would solve it. See if this helps you" I relaxed and watched. Then she did another one. She said again, "This one I would solve in a similar way." I watched her do it. It still didn't make sense to me - finding numerical values for letters - and I told her that. But by watching her and from her taking that extra time with me I was able to at least get a strategy in my head for how to solve these problems.

The other time I came in contact with her was at her house. I had to gather leaves from various trees and put them in a book for science class. Being a bit of a nature buff, I always noticed the unique trees in the Sconce's huge yard when I would ride my bicycle past their house on those lazy quiet Sunday mornings. In class, we were assigned 10 leaves to find in the woods and press them in a binder. We were handed drawings for each leaf on a blue stained mimeographed paper. Simple - just find leaves that match the design, glue it in your book and label it, put your name on it and turn it in. Sugar maple, Black oak, Sasafras, Elm - pretty easy stuff. But I kept thinking about those trees at the Sconce's. What were they? Did they match my school drawings? So, one day I helped myself into their yard and started picking leaves off the trees. None of them matched my project requirements! I was perplexed. Suddenly, I heard a voice that came out of nowhere. "That's a Horse Chestnut", she said. I looked up and Mrs. Sconce stood behind me with a smile on her face. I was so afraid I was in trouble. I was trespassing and got caught! Plus, I had picked perfectly good leaves from her tree. I told her sheepishly that I was sorry but that I had always seen trees in her yard unlike any others and wanted to see if they were on my assignment. She told me it was no problem at all. She then walked me around her yard and showed me all the trees whose names she knew by heart! She gave me leaf specimens for each of them too. I put them in my project - every one of them. Later that day I went to Cutsinger Bridge outside of town on my bike and found the more common leaves to satisfy the teachers assigned requirements. I was very proud of my binder. I got an A.

Thank you Mrs. Sconce. Rest in Peace.

Post holidays

Yes, I know - they aren't quite over yet! We still have New Years to get through. But I have already started to feel a bit of the post holiday blues creeping around. So, in an attempt to straighten that out...it's time to redirect the energy.

First of all. I no longer make resolutions. I always felt guilty for not keeping them. I don't keep them because I am not realistic when making them and on and on it goes. So, now as I begin my 5th decade on this earth, I have decided to select opportunities for the new year. Rather than focus on ways to improve, I am focusing on ways to enjoy my life more. I want to identify simple inexpensive things I can do that I haven't done already that will bring more joy and inner peace in my life.

A small insert here - I cannot take credit for thinking of this. I received a book from my friend Elaine at Christmas (ARGH! I can't remember the name of it) talking about creating peace on earth and how to create peace within ourselves. So I have taken to heart its theme about slowing down, being kind to ones self, and striving to create inner peace within. They suggest writing down simple things that cause joy and I thought it would be a great way to start a new year!

Here's some of my thoughts.
1. Walk in the woods at Ft Harrison state park weekly. It's only a stones throw from my house. I feel renewed in the woods.
2. Work on my stitching more. Not the most Butch of activities but one I truly love to do. Gets me in touch with my femmy side - lol.
3. Visit all the Birding Sites in Indiana. I've lived here all my life and still have not seen most of them.
4. Take a small vacation to Mammoth Cave. Kat has never been there and I haven't been since I was in college. Only a 4 hour drive!
5. Have sex at least twice per week! LOL! OK, this one might not be so easy, but it sure would bring joy to my life. :-)

More to come, but that's a really good start for me.

Love Birds

Two souls. Two hearts. Made as One by God.
Friends. Lovers. Soul Mates.
Intertwined together for the Journey
Joined in Spirit. Growing in Depth.
Honored by Heaven

In one another...Finding delight.
With one another...Seeking the highest good.
For one another...Laying down their lives.

Pure in Devotion. Unmoved in Loyalty.
Bound by Trust. Led by Hope.
Comitted to Truth. Wrapped in Grace
Forever in Love.

Falling in Love

I fall in and out of love pretty easily, I guess. I have been told that before. But that last time I got hurt I swore it would be different. I wouldn't fall in love so easily. I would be cautious and sure! As Dan Fogelberg wrote...

Next time I ain't gonna fall on my knees for nobody

And come out of love empty handed

Next time I'll be even harder to please,

Oh when will the next time be?...

As a result, I built some walls around my love. Now this isn't unusual for anyone to do when coming out of a painful event in their life, we all know this. But what I did was different. I allowed myself to love - to an extent. I guess I didn't know how to completely not allow my walls to be penetrated but within those walls, deep down, I held back a part of me - a special part. It is a part that I didn't even realize was being held back because it is such a special part of me that I had never let it out for anyone before in my life!

But then....when I least expected it, I realized what it was. How? By the grace and wonder of a beautiful femme heart. You see, I had been holding back - I had not allowed myself to feel all that love and being loved has to offer. It was partly a self preservation mechanism I suppose. If you don't give that away, the risks are always lower that you will be hurt again.

So, yes, I loved...but only to an extent. And that was ok because the women I met seemed to be doing the same thing - holding back. I attributed it to them just not being that "into" me - and I'm sure that was the case on more than one occasion. There was always a limit to how comitted one let their heart and soul invest in another. They would tell me they loved me but their actions clearly put boundaries and limits on it. I did the same selfish, foolish thing. It was kind of a game really - trying to learn and understand where that breaking point lay with a person.

But then...she came to me. Came into my life. Peered inside of those walls and saw me for what I was. Yet, she wasn't judgemental or put off by what she saw. She just loved me and gave me space. She showed me in common every day actions what trust and love mean. She felt secure enough in herself to show me the love in her heart and the depth of her soul. She opened up that dark space without my even knowing it. As she spoke those words of forever and future possibilities to me I felt that piece of me pounding on the walls to be let out. Tears flowed down my cheeks as I realized what had just happened. The bridge I had just crossed that had never before been traversed. I love her. She loves me. We are indeed a bonded couple. What a feeling.